Today on “how to” we will learn a way to establish with certainty the non-return of your apartment’s security deposit. This really isn’t such a big problem, however, because most landlords will find a way to charge you for every single penny of it even if you leave the house in pristine condition. You’ll get a report like this:

ACME Building Management

Trash removal (piece of lint) : $360

Carpet cleaning (which you already did anyway): $230

Air filter replacement: $9,380

So, you might as well just destroy your apartment with reckless abandon and leave raw mackerel inside the heating unit. Anyway, on to the lesson.

Destroying your kitchen

On the last “how to” blog, we learned How to Burn Down Your Friend’s Apartment, which also started in the kitchen.  Now you can’t just go around arbitrarily destroying your kitchen, you need an excuse like, “Aliens are filtering my water,” or “I invited Andy Dick over for dinner,” but one of the best is “there’s a dead rat somewhere behind all these appliances and wood and it smells really awful.” That’s the one I used this time.

This rat was one of the most unobliging rats I have ever had the displeasure of meeting. It repeatedly refused to step into the snap traps, it stuck its nose up at the bait in the electrick shock trap, and it not only avoided but managed to escape from one of the glue traps. In the meantime it was happily tearing holes in the carpet (so it could get around more easily) and leaving debris of my stuff it chewed all over the floor.

This rat had some balls. It would run around the apartment in front of us daring us to catch it. Look, I tried to chase it out the door (you should have seen me and my roommate with the broom and mop) and I tried to trap it, but it wasn’t playing along. So, it was time to give it… the poison.

The initial effect of the poison was that the rat poop that normally appeared around the place was now flourescent green. I figured maybe we had some kind of nuclear genetic mutant rat immune to poison and able to plot the overthrow of Western civilization. I was wrong. The rat made an appearance on its last legs in the kitchen one night. Myself and my roommate again tried to catch the creature in a cardboard box, with a dustpan, and a trashcan… not only did it escape in its weakened condition but it leapt at me viciously! Well, I was in my socks and was having none of the potential icky rat disease that it might carry, so I deftly dodged and it crawled behind the dishwasher… to die.

The first day, only I could smell it, having been gifted by God of the most keen sense of smell imaginable. (Think of that guy you met at the party with the bad breath. Now imagine how he smells to me. ) So I know right away the rat has passed on. But where? And now we get to destroying the kitchen.

First, I pulled out the dishwasher and disconnected its power (raw copper lines!) Make sure you flip that circuit breaker before you do this, kids.

Second, I smashed around in the plaster behind the dishwasher hoping it was in the wall there. It smelled pretty badly there (oh, did it!) No luck. It was then I spied a small hole going to Under the Sink Land.

Under The Sink Land

I found a web site (while searching for “dead rat”) that had some helpful advice:

I sniff like a blood hound until I find the right spot, then get it perfect with my very first cut into the wall. Small animal, but BIG smell! To get rid of a dead rat or mouse in the wall, you’ve got to have a real nose for the job, literally (there is no magic odor finding machine)

Oh, how I wish there was such a magic machine. Regardless, the web site also has a cool graphic:

I realized the ex-rat (it’s bleeding demised!) was underneath my sink, and that my puny human powered tools would not do the job. So I used a lifeline: Phone a Friend With Power Tools. Gene was happy to come over to help destroy someone else’s property with me, and we got a nice hole in the wood. Then he got a mirror and a flashlight and it went something like this:

Steve: Do you see it?

Gene: There’s a dishrag here. There might be something behind it.

Steve: What about the other side.

Gene: Hmm. Let’s see. Okay. A dead rat.

Gene is a good friend, but I still was the one who had to fish out the dead rat.

So lately I’ve been working on a super secret script that is so classified that not only am I not allowed to discuss it, but it’s very likely shady men in suits will be showing up at my door.

This is of course, barring Dennis Rodman interrupting me again.

I am writing a lot because the client wants this script yesterday — the cool thing is it really will be a big budget film, millions of dollars, and he’s already got investors who are just dying to see this script.

I’m also working on creating the package for one of my original screenplays, because we found a producer for it! He has put up half the money, and we are looking for the other half. We are close to getting Kelly Hu and some other name actors for the film. Yes, really. Did I mention I would star in it along with my friend Jason Miller, the lead singer of Godhead?

Of course, all of this could totally go down in flames, because, after all this is Hollywood.

By the way, I should totally let you know Godhead’s new album is coming out next week! I’ve listened to a few tracks in Jason’s car as we drive to these meetings for the film production, and they rock.  Here’s a tiny image I found of the album cover which I will link to their site:

I told Jason it looks like the old Kansas album cover, but that was from so long ago only old people like me remember.

Maybe these pictures symbolize just what is about to happen to the stock market? Hmm.

Whenever I drive down Santa Monica I can’t help but think of that song. I also look for car washes across from bars to figure out which bar she means.

“We are drinking beer at noon on Tuesday
In a bar that faces a giant car wash
The good people of the world are washing their cars
On their lunch break, hosing and scrubbing
As best they can in skirts in suits”

There were a few car washes I saw that maybe could be it, I couldn’t tell since I was driving and had to keep moving.

Regardless, here are a bunch o’ pictures I took when driving to Beverly Hills for a meeting, I decided to go the long way, down Santa Monica all the way through West Hollywood to get there.

Santa Monica Drive

Click the picture, genius.

I will be on TV soon

Yeah, they are finally going to show the episode on TLC I was in, but I’m not going to tell you yet because it’s in three weeks and you’ll forget. I’ll tell you with about a week to go.

I haven’t been alive that long *clears throat* but I swear I’ve never seen so much hate directed toward a single candidate – even a presidential one, let alone a VP!  Normally I don’t talk about politics here but even Hollywood is in on the hate-fest.

I seriously have seen the most nasty comments from celebrities, and the most vicious LIES spread by email and even even on Myspace (that bastion of intellectual fortitude.) It’s as if people think that hating this lady is just fine and who needs to research your arguments to see if they are factual or use logic? There’s SO MUCH I can barely touch on it all but I’m going to try to.

First of all, a Democratic Congressman said this: Florida Rep. Alcee Hastings on Wednesday warned two minority groups to beware of Sarah Palin because “anybody toting guns and stripping moose don’t care too much about what they do with Jews and blacks.”

So, somehow if you shoot a gun and hunt, you are racist towards Jews and blacks. Yeah. That’s logical.

Then there’s this email circulating around, again, totally race baiting,  saying she gets a free pass in life because she is WHITE. I’m not making this up:

“White privilege is when you can call yourself a “fuckin’ redneck,” like
Bristol Palin’s boyfriend does, and talk about how if anyone messes with
you, you’ll “kick their fuckin’ ass,” and talk about how you like to “shoot
shit” for fun, and still be viewed as a responsible, all-American boy (and a
great son-in-law to be) rather than a thug.”

So, this lady’s teenage daughter had sex with a not-so-bright kid, and it has somehow, something to do with race? Not only that, what does a 17 year old’s emotional, hormonal, decision making have to do with her mother? This is somehow an argument not to vote for her? A VP candidate? Really? That’s the best you got? Oh wait, it’s just pure hate.

“* If your name is Barack you’re a radical, unpatriotic Muslim.
* Name your kids Willow , Trig and Track, you’re a maverick.”

First of all, no one in the media or the prominent conservative movement is saying Obama is a Muslim. It’s a strawman. Plus, you really have to bring up what people name their kids? This is somehow politically relevant? Really?

Hollywood hates her too. Sandra Bernhardt: The Republican V.P. nom would be “gang-raped by my big black brothers” if she enters Manhattan. There’s plenty more nasty stuff from Hollywood about Palin if you look. Pamela Anderson, “I cant stand her. She can suck it,” she told E! News from Canada.

It’s just a hatefest. I’ve seen so many crazy lies posted about Ms. Palin I can hardly believe it. When I ask why people don’t like her they mostly say emotional stuff, repeat some of these lies, or just say things like she is “an idiot.” Look, if you don’t like her politically, fine. But really, gang raped? Attacking her family? Disagree, sure, but playing the race card and speaking out in anger and lies really doesn’t accomplish anything. Maybe it’s too late to ask people to be civil, but at least check your facts first.

Top 7 Lies about Sarah Palin